The feeling of not belonging/the fear of closeness

I’m not going to lie, I’ve been trying to write something about this for a very long time, but it’s been really hard. Like REALLY hard. I don’t know if this will make people think differently of me, or make people not want to talk to me. To be honest, I’m not sure who will even read this. Okay, enough rambling.

Growing up, I never felt like I belonged. Anywhere. In middle school and high school, I had my group of friends, yes, but it always felt like the odd one out, the one who was kind of just…there. But back then, this feeling was topped by the stress and depression caused by the expectations I had set for myself academically. So when I got to college, a lot of that weight was lifted since I started doing things I loved, playing music and eventually finding a passion in journalism. But even now, even with me being content where I am academically and career path-wise, I still have that feeling.

It’s really hard to describe. It’s not as if I feel like I don’t have any friends. I would say I do. There are people who I work with and have classes with that I genuinely enjoy being around and would consider as friends. My roommates are probably some of my closest friends. I’ve met people in student orgs that I would consider friends as well. But the thing is, I still feel like I don’t belong. The feeling reminds me of a quote from my favorite show Scrubs, which goes like, “Nothing sucks more than feeling all alone, no matter how many people are around.”

I think the best way to describe the feeling is more like comparing it to a novel or TV series. Everyone has their own story. The main protagonist out to save the world, the supporting characters who are still important and help the main protagonist out. But for me, it kind of feels like I’m the comic relief character. And it’s not that I want everything to be about me, because that’s not who I am as a person. I feel like everyone I know, or at least everyone I’m friends with are just closer with other people. That’s completely fine, but for me I wish I could have intellectual conversations with people, talk to people about life’s issues, etc., but it’s just not there. I do talk to it to my roommates, but they’re also really busy often and because of what’s happened in the past, I’m just too afraid to become close to even them.

Because I’m just afraid. Getting close to people has gotten me burned in the past before and as much as I try to forget and move past what’s happened before, I just can’t. I’ve hurt people before because I got close to them. And although this was many years ago, I was having extreme mental health problems and wasn’t mature enough to understand anything yet, and so long story short, I became too angry and a huge just ball of negativity, and so bridges were burned. I think if you talk to my closest friends, they can tell you I’ve changed, because that’s what they tell me. That things are different now that we’re older. And I feel the change as well, that I’m a completely different person than I used to be. I know that, but something in me is just scared that if I try to even remotely become good friends with someone, my problems, my personal issues will scare them off. This mindset of mine that I hate so much but just keeps coming back really has prevented me from trying date, and even just becoming close friends with people (and even closer with my roommates).

I don’t really know what I’m exactly trying to get at here, but I wanted to just ramble with this because it really is hitting me now, that maybe it really just wasn’t meant to be. Maybe I am supposed to be just “here.” That I should just go about my day, work, eat, sleep. Rinse and repeat. And while the spirit of “going out there and making the most of your own world” is what I’ve always done and is what has brought me where I am today, it just feels like I have that one piece missing somewhere, that there’s still this hole. This hole that I’ll never be close with anyone. While I have my family, there are things that I just don’t really want to talk to them about. I don’t know, maybe it’s just me.

How to Fall in Love with your Journalism (or other) Major

So recently, I've had a little bit of free time so I thought I would change things up a little in terms of what this post is going to be about. I don't really know who's going to read this, rather I really don't care who reads this, but like I had said in a previous post, this semester has been great. And while I kind of wrote about why it's been great, I thought I'd make it more general, kind of share the thought process I went through on how I made my semester great. Although my experiences are with journalism, I hope anyone who reads this can find some way to relate to what I did to make sure I didn't hate my major by the end of my first semester.

Disclaimer: I'm clearly not an expert on this topic, these are just my opinions. Don't be silly.

Don't be afraid to be a "try-hard"

First of all, I think that word and any word with that same connotation is stupid, and anyone who uses that word to try and demean and discredit others are nonsensical. For me, the reason why I instantly tried to get extremely into journalism despite my complete lack of knowledge about really anything related to news was because I was sort of making a gamble. For my first three semesters, I studied music, the semester after that, I was pre-journalism and so I only took one class that would help me graduate, and the rest were general education courses. So, that left me four more semesters to finish my major and two required internships (one for my minor) if I wanted to finish without staying extra semesters. And even though I'm probably not going to graduate on time, I took this mindset to heart and just did my best not only academically, but also write amazing stories and meet great people I never would have before, which not only let me start building a portfolio and resume and more importantly, become a better journalist I probably wouldn't have become otherwise.

Don't be intimidated or scared to ask for help on assignments

Hey. You know, you can learn a lot from bringing your stories to your professor and/or TA. My first story I wrote for Comm 2221 (media writing and editing), I brought it to my professor (shout-out to Nicole Kraft) and we went through and not only cut down probably 200 words (I was about 100 over the word count), but also went through how to make it better. I then used what I learned on the future articles and every time there was less and less to edit (I personally still have so much to learn, but less and less to edit relative to each previous story). Honestly, the only reason I feel like I'm doing alright is because I jumped out of my comfort zone of just being introverted and too scared to talk to people and just went for it, no matter how nervous I was every time someone edited my stories. 

Take journalism (or major-related) electives

So something I did this year was take an independent study class that basically made me (in a good way) write for The Lantern, which is Ohio State's student newspaper. Yeah, you can write articles for the paper without a class, and yeah you do write stories for the paper in the Comm 2221 class, but having this kind of "requirement" to write even more allowed me to not only get more writing experience, but I was able to go to different places around Columbus and talk to so many different kinds of people. Needless to say, my whole point here is that even if a class isn't required for your major, it might present some interesting opportunities, whether it be more experience or even getting opportunities to do things related to your major outside the class.

Do things outside of just classes

Join student organizations! Whether it be an academic fraternity that relates to your interests or just a club, you'd be surprised the amount of good people you can surround yourself with. I myself joined an organization called SPJ (Society of Professional Journalists) and was able to find good people to have genuine conversations with about stories, issues such as mental health and so on. Not only do I recommend joining student organizations, but also I think it's great to do more outside of class. What do I mean? Well there are a few things: like I said in the previous post mentioned, I participated in a national security simulation which was pretty fun, I also wrote one or two stories outside of both my independent study and my writing class which gave me a bit more experience with just talking to people in real time and improving my interviewing skills, and so these experiences really helped me become a better journalist and also motivated me to do better and do well.

Make connections

If you know me, I'm actually a pretty introverted person. But I knew to succeed, I actually had to make connections. And by making connections, I don't only mean with professors and TAs, but also with your fellow students. I took a leap of faith this semester, and jumped way out of my comfort zone to actually talk to people in my classes, The Lantern editors and also the aforementioned professors and TAs. This allowed me to be more comfortable in my new major and do better than I probably would have if I was in a mental state where I felt alone in what I was doing. Classmates share the same struggles as you, professors and TAs are always there to help you, and just creating that sense of community yourself instead of waiting for that sense to come to you is what I think is a good way to go about doing things.

Don't be afraid to grasp onto opportunities

Opportunities. I think this is the one word that has changed my life regardless of what major I was in. When I studied music, I took the opportunities to go to masterclasses and a conference which at the time really motivated me to do better. Just like the national security simulation and the story ideas that were brought up in class that no one volunteered to write. Opportunities are what help us grow as human beings, and what advance us further into what we are passionate about and what we want to do. The biggest opportunity I grasped this semester was when I applied and got an internship, thanks to a referral of my professor, and now I can get real life experience of what it is like to work in the media industry. So if you see an opportunity and you're on the fence, sometimes you just have to risk it and take those opportunities because you never know what you'll get out of them.

So what am I trying to get at here? You don't have to take this advice, and you don't have to trust anything I say. But for me, I did my best to follow all of this and ended up having a great semester. Seeing all of what I just wrote, I just have to give one more piece of advice: commit. If you aren't committed to your major, you won't really enjoy it. If you commit to facing everything head on and not being intimidated by what's thrown at you, you might just discover that you might be passionate about what you're studying after all. I was told many things about one of the classes I took this semester: it would be scary, it's stressful, but to be honest, I never really felt any of that. I just went with the flow, committed, and had a great time. 

What I'm Thankful For

Some time ago in high school I was with some friends and we were just talking, and I think we decided to play truth or dare or some game where we ask each other questions I'm not super sure. So it had gotten to me and I had been asked by a friend at the time who knew I had major self-esteem issues, and I was asked, "What do you like about yourself?" Being caught off-guard, I responded, "I like that people think I'm funny," which one, I'm not even sure is true and two, a pretty terrible answer to a question that I could've taken more seriously. I don't know, it's just that every time these last few years Thanksgiving has come around, that night always popped into my head.

If I could have done it over again (and there are so many things I would have done differently back then), I would have said that what I liked about myself was that I was alive. And that seems like a pretty terrible answer too, but at the time I was dealing with a lot of personal issues that I want to go deeper on someday.

As cliche as it is, I just wanted to talk about what I'm thankful for. I'm thankful for my parents for not only bringing me into the world and being there for me when I needed them the most, but also supporting me in whatever career path I've chosen regardless of how ideal it was. I'm thankful for my brother and sister, both of whom I've learned a lot from growing up with them. I'm thankful for the people I've been friends with since who knows how long. I'm thankful for all the people I've met not only through being here at Ohio State, but also those I've been able to meet around the country through my volunteer organization and attending leadership conferences through that. 

But most of all, I'm thankful to be alive. All these people who I've met have changed my life for the better. In my darkest times, I've been able to find light from at least one of these groups of people I've met along the way. 

This post kind of supplements something I wrote--unpublished--a while that I've wanted to share for a really long time but had never had the courage to. With Thanksgiving being today, I thought I would post something short and sweet. 

Happy Thanksgiving y'all.

My Semester in Journalism

It's been five months since I'd last posted something, so I thought I would give an update of some sorts, giving my thoughts of what has been going down since June. So it's November right now, but we're nearing the end of the semester and I realize I hadn't been keeping up on this blog, but truth be told, it's been a real fun five months. I have to say, switching to journalism was probably one of the best decisions I've ever made.

I think I'd mentioned this before in a previous post but I'll reiterate anyways, but the way my story went from senior year of high school to where I am now honestly was a mess. When I was applying to schools, I had applied to schools for journalism. I didn't get into a single one that I wanted to go to. Discouraged, I kind of jumped into studying music, which I honestly wasn't particularly strong in at the time, and had a great time with that. Doing that for a year and a half made me realize that the environment I was in was extremely detrimental to my mental health, and so after about two weeks of deliberation, that was that, and I was done. But then what then? I was considering so many options. Math. Geographical Sciences. Criminal Studies. My mind then landed on something I never gave a chance to in the first place, something that I had wanted to do since junior year of high school, which was study to become a journalist. 

Also on High Street

I loved the thought of telling stories, being the voice for people who didn't have one, and something this semester has taught me, or at least given me hope for, is that it's possible. Coming into the fall semester, I was terrified. "OSU's not really known for its journalism program..." "Will I be good at writing?" "What if I hate journalism?" "Did that mean I screwed up my chance with music since I took a semester to do GE classes?" I think this last question is really what drove me the first half of the semester. I had to put all my energy into this major, really even be a "try-hard" in some people's eyes, because I wanted to make my decision worth it and have no regrets. And really, I feel like it payed off. 

This year, I'd been given so many opportunities as a student journalist. There's actually a chain of four or five days this month in particular that made me realize that this is what I really wanted to do. Two of those days consisted of a national security simulation, where we were given the opportunity to simulate national and international crises and report on them. It was stressful but it was the most fun I've had in years, and I was able to work with so many amazing people (such as Philip Bump of the Washington Post, Andy Chow of Statehouse News Media, and Mike Thompson and Ann Fisher of WOSU), and I felt like I had learned so much. The following Monday, we had Holly Zachariah of the Columbus Dispatch come in and she shared so many stories that gave me goosebumps just listening to them being read to us, and really motivated me to improve my writing and storytelling skills. Finally, the next day I had attended an SPJ (Society of Professional Journalists) meeting and discussed one of the best stories I've ever read, The Falling Man by Tom Junod (which I HIGHLY recommend to journalists and non-journalists), and that day made me realize really how much I've learned this semester and how much better I and many of my peers can become.

So was this all worth it?

All of the stories I've been able to write this semester showed me how much there is in this world to see, and so much more there is to be seen in the world, and I feel like I've found the right path to do that. 

From my most recent story I did about a researcher who built the Ohio Stadium from Lego bricks to raise money for his research, you can read it here.

Identity: Out of Place

So coming to the half-way point of studying here in Taiwan, I've really been able to think about my own personal identity more and how it has been shaped by my experiences in the past. I think for starters, I'm definitely learning a lot and am more comfortable here, and also having a lot of fun, whether it's the food or just the people I get to interact with every day. But being here, like I said, has really allowed me to just think of how I even got here in the first place, because I think many of us ABCs and ABTs, we never really took the time to actually learn our mother tongue. And when I mean learn, I don't mean just going to Chinese school, but actually taking the time to enjoy the fact and learn to actually speak fluently and well enough to maybe even live in a Chinese-speaking country. In fact, I for one hated going to Chinese school when I was younger, and up until my junior year in high school, I really never cared for it much, just feeling like I never really needed it. But I think around that junior year/senior year of high school time, I think that's when I really grew an interest in actually wanting to become good at speaking Chinese. 

You see, in high school, I never really felt like I belonged to any group, and I think that's common with Asian-Americans, as we culturally didn't feel like we belonged with their non-Asian peers and also had a hard time connecting with family members, relatives, that might not understand English very well, or just also don't culturally understand the pseudo-hybrid culture that is growing up Asian in the U.S. So usually, you might see "cliques" of the Asians in school, whether it's high school or even when you head off to college. For me, I don't think I ever felt like I fit in any of the three categories. Entering high school, I was surprised to see so many more Asian-American students than I did in middle school, and a lot more than there were in my grade in elementary school. Being the silly conformist wannabe that I was, I really wanted to be like them. In terms of my current friend group at the time, although these people are still my very good friends to this day, I think just the fact that I was one of the only full Asian people if not always the only full Asian friend in the group made me just feel like I didn't belong at most times. Sometimes I would be forgotten, would just be on the sideline, and so I am not afraid to admit that it sometimes felt I was just the token Asian friend. So feeling like this, I wanted to be like the other Asians in high school, doing extremely well, being able to talk about academics like it was no problem, sharing that same sentiment of growing up Asian-American, being able to be at the very top of the class and shrug it off as if it was no problem.

I was never able to achieve this. And don't get me wrong, it wasn't because these people were bad or anything, because these were good people. But I think not achieving it was for the best, to be honest. In the end, trying to be like them was very soul crushing, and many days I would go home extremely stressed out, panicking on schoolwork that my mind had made feel impossible to do right, and sometimes even just making myself feel so heavy that most days I just didn't want to see these people, not even my good friends. It wasn't until actually going to university, that I actually felt all of this just leave my body, all the weight off my shoulders. And it was then when I began to explore different parts of what made me who I am, which slowly but surely lead to where I am today, studying Chinese in Taiwan because I chose to study it myself, with no one telling me that I had to learn it. My last few trips back to Taiwan, which usually happened during winter break, made me realize that focusing so much on my schoolwork, which lead to hating learning Chinese on the weekends, made me lose a part of my identity that I didn't even try to explore. Because honestly, I feel really comfortable in Taiwan, whether it be now that I've gotten used to the environment here, or when I'm staying with family in Taipei. The atmosphere really is just so comfortable to me. People might say it's because I'm on "vacation," but in Taiwan is where I feel most comfortable. What more, being able to speak Chinese to people is honestly one of the coolest feelings ever. It's kind of like you become a different person, a much cooler person than you were just speaking your first language. 

I mean I know I'm still trying to figure out my identity, one that was and is in shambles right now. But I think being here learning Chinese is one of the biggest steps I've ever taken towards fixing this. I've honestly even started thinking about writing posts in Chinese and then translating them, but my typing is so slow that I need to practice it a ton more. All the events leading up to now, I don't think I would honestly be here if I didn't struggle with trying to be someone who I couldn't (and eventually didn't want to) be, if I didn't despise learning Chinese, and so much more. All of this just opened up that door that I had closed shut, the one that allowed me to take time to understand my parent's culture, one that I'm very grateful for today.

Grey Area

Have you ever been in the "grey area?" So hear me out. You know, the in between of black and white, when you are just kind of in the middle of something, say maybe an opinion, decision, and so on. If you think about it, we're all right now experiencing some sort of grey areas in our lives, whether it be not being able to decide what to major in, struggling with knowing whether or not moving to a new place is good, or even just having an even list of pros and cons for whether or not eating out would be a good idea today. These are definitely the types of grey areas we deal with everyday, the indecisiveness of our physical actions, being stuck between black and white because you simply just might not know what to do. I think for me right now, I'm more stuck in that emotional grey area, and I know so many people are also there too.

First off, I want to thank everyone who ever reads this blog, everyone who even takes the time to actually read what I have to say. Honestly, I don't really expect people to ever read this, because I mean this was never something anyone ever thought I was good at, and a lot of things I happen to do or talk about suddenly are things most of the people in my life don't actually know that I enjoy doing or even things that are just me. So, that being said, things in this blog might end up becoming more personal, might be me opening up with my feelings, because I think that's something I really need in my life right now, as honestly there aren't many people in my life anymore that I can truly talk about how I feel anymore. Therefore, I'm probably going to be ending up using this as a sort of journal for myself, while trying to talk about what I see as life's concepts with others. I think this not only will allow me to create better content, you as a reader get an insight on how my mind works, how I think about things.

So getting back on track, whenever I myself am in that emotional state where I am always not sure how to feel about something, I visualize myself in a literal grey area. If I choose the black side, I understand the benefits, but I also am too scared because of the potential consequences. This is the same for the white area, but it might have more risks than the reward, but the reward might be worth it. So it's more like high risk, high reward, and low risk, low reward. And I think right now, I'm mentally in a grey area, and honestly, I have been in the last few years. It hasn't done me poorly, it's just made me really confused about how I should be living life. What I'm talking about is truly opening up to other people. 

There's honestly only a small number of people I've ever actually opened up to, have really felt comfortable telling how I was feeling to, and what not. Don't get me wrong, it's not a bad thing at all. Having people to talk to is great, and if you do it right, you can create long lasting friendships. The thing is, I ended up not doing it right, and self-sabotaged friendships, putting too much onto people. And I think that really messed me up for a really long time, and even has some lasting effects on how I interact with people today. This I guess is the high risk high reward side of the grey area I was talking about. As for the low risk, low reward, this is the part where I am able to make friends, but really just friends, because I'm too scared that I might reveal too much about myself that will make them not want to interact with me anymore. So right now, I'm in this grey area, as I enter my third year of university, regretting the fact that I was so terrified of getting out of my comfort zone to meet new people, really only sticking to what and who I knew before. 

Making the decision to come here to Taiwan to study Chinese is not only challenging because oh man my Chinese is bad, but also because it's my test. I think being out of my comfort zone for two months will be my remedy to escape the grey area I'm currently trapped in. And I think that goes for everyone as a solution to their grey areas. Get out of your comfort zone, do neither the black or the white. Make a green area, blue area, whatever color you want. Just don't make it grey. Do something crazy new, something that you probably never thought you would ever do (just not too crazy, watch yourselves people). I think if we can do that, then this simple problem of being suspended in this grey area will be simply fixed, a simple solution.

Home

I think I would normally try to start off a post like this writing some cliche, an attempt-at-being-insightful question about what is truly our home, blah blah blah. Granted, that's what I basically did just now, so let's just forget that ever happened. Being born and growing up in the same place for 20 years is pretty alright if I have to admit, but if I'm going to be honest, it does get pretty boring. But at the end of the day, Ohio is still my ever so beloved home and I wouldn't have wished to grow up anywhere else, despite how much I know many of us Ohioans/"Columbusites" (What are we even called anyways?) complain about how there's almost nothing to do. 

I know a lot of my high school classmates might have already experienced this (or maybe not, I really can't speak for anyone else), since many of them do go to school away from home, but recently, since I'm currently studying Chinese in Taiwan for the next two months, there's been this weird feeling of truly being away from home for a very long time. You see, during the normal school year, attending a university that's only about 20 minutes away from my house,  although I do not go home often, it still feels extremely comfortable as if I was never supposed to leave. The city is different from the suburbs, but I'm not afraid to leave my so-called "comfort zone" because it's still very much in my comfort zone due to the familiarity of the area. But now, being in Taiwan on a campus that while it is very beautiful, peaceful, and serene, it is such a new experience and new environment that I oftentimes am very lost in what I should be doing, how I should go about meeting people, etc. I'm honestly extremely introverted despite what some people might think, mentally shutting down when I am trying to meet new people or even just say "hello" to people I don't know. I think maybe that's why I write about this kind of stuff down because face to face, there are only a few people that I am physically able to talk about this kind of thing with. But that's not the point. I think throughout these two months, I definitely will be able to get more and more used to this new environment and acclimate (especially to the mosquitoes), but when will it feel like home?

These last few days, I've been telling myself that it'll just be a few weeks or even a few more days until I will be able to call this place my home. Am I just kidding myself? Truth be told, I think the whole concept of "home" is brilliant, actually. There's just so many countless definitions, concepts, and uses behind the word. To me and probably to so many other people, home is a place where you get to feel welcome. Whether it is someone else you meet or your own efforts to make yourself feel welcome, that's the definition I stick to. I've met so many people in this world that have made me feel at home, whether it be "home" as in somewhere physically, or "home" as in the state in which I feel very welcome to be at any place with those people. For an introvert, it's really scary to be using this definition of home when I'm too terrified of even greeting people, but I think it's all a part of growing up. I think staying home to go to college has indeed stunted my ability to become more outgoing, but I have no regrets staying near home. Instead, I know this experience will be extremely healthy and rewarding to me, despite everything that is going on.

So then, I ask myself again, when will this place be home? I'm really not quite sure yet. Sitting here at 9:43PM writing this post in a library because my roommate consistently connects and disconnects his wifi router, I don't even know when I will be able to post this. But I mean, that's all life's adventures right? That's all a part of the process of making this place, or really any place home. Going through obstacles and overcoming our own flaws will mature us all as human beings, especially when leaving your comfort zones and going to places and experiencing things that are completely new. So, this is where it begins. Wish me luck.

When the New Beginning is Actually the Old One

So currently, I'm in Taiwan preparing to take a Chinese course for two months to practice and improve my Chinese. Honestly, I've never done something like this before, and so I'll probably be blogging (hopefully) weekly or bi-weekly about things that I experience or just want to share about my time in a brand new environment. So as you may have noticed, I've actually gone ahead and changed platforms (for like the 4th time) and actually gotten my own domain name. I figured if I'm going to be taking this whole journalism thing seriously again now that I've officially gotten into the program, I better be serious about doing things outside of just schoolwork like getting serious about my blog. 

So what are my plans for this site? Well I plan to use this site for reflecting on life, hopefully promote my music (I hope to make some covers when I get back to the States), post some photos that I actually like that I myself took, and interviews. In terms of the interviews, I am planning a project right now that should be pretty cool in regards to interviews, but I'll probably make another post talking about that. 

Just to end this real short post (it's basically a :welcome to my new site" post let's be honest), I know that I am extremely irregular in creating blog posts, but this time I've actually paid for the site so now I HAVE to be consistent so I can get my money's worth. But no seriously, I want to expand my horizons not only professionally, but also creatively. I want to do things that no one has ever done before, and I hope my upcoming project will be able to accomplish that at an even more interesting and unique way. I want to get into making music, and maybe even go into vlogging someday to up the variety in how I create content. So please join me on this new journey, and let's all accomplish amazing things!

Back to My Roots

So last month, I traveled back to Taiwan, which is where my parents are from (I'm a U.S. citizen), and although I go back often, this time was very different. For one, I took less pictures, which allowed me to really soak in the experience and the feeling of actually being there. Also, whenever I go back with my family, I usually don't have any other friends/people I knew in Taiwan so being able to hang out with old and new friends this time was something I honestly never got to experience until now. But I think the feeling that I got, the urge to want to spend more time than just three weeks, came really from just taking a break from everything happening at the time.

I'd been studying music, and in an effort to become the best musician I could, kept pushing myself day after day since I had so much catching up to do with peers and in general, other people competing for the same lifestyle. I look back now and realize that I had been so exhausted, but I kept pushing myself through that exhaustion. Weekends began feeling like normal school days, and weeks where I did intensive work/schoolwork went from the normal 5 days I was so used to my entire life, to 7 days a week so it never felt like I gave myself any break. Granted, if I told people this they would probably just tell me to learn to take a break. The thing was though, I chose to do this, I chose to never give myself breaks because it was something I enjoyed and I was determined to become someone great. But entering winter break, specifically attending an International Tzu Chi Collegiate volunteer retreat (an NGO I volunteer with back at home), made me realize that I didn't want any of this.

Something I seldom tell really anyone, but I feel like I'm in a comfortable position talking about now in my life, is that if it wasn't for volunteering with Tzu Chi, I don't know if I would be here today. To keep it short, in high school, I had major mental anxiety issues, but Tzu Chi was always there for me whenever I was feeling terrible about myself. Coming back to present day, I almost threw away something so important to me because of this constant strive to get me to the top. I realized this was something I wasn't willing to sacrifice, among other things, to become one of the best. I don't regret anything, but I think I made the right decision to switch out of music.

Attending this volunteer retreat made me realize a few things, spiritually and realistically. One was that I had this feeling, that maybe it wasn't my time yet to become this great musician, who can compete in the job market with the prodigies, and maybe it wouldn't be my time in this lifetime. Surprisingly, even to myself, I was okay with that. Another thing I realized was that there's so much more I can do to help other people in this world, and I felt that I wasn't doing much which I did regret. I wanted to do more. I wanted to tell stories, specifically other people's stories. Get the good out there in the world, not just always having the bad. Funnily enough, 2 years ago that was what I decided to do by deciding at the time to pursue a degree in journalism. The last thing I realized was that for whatever reason, I want to move back to Taiwan after finishing my education, and just work there. I honestly don't know why, but for some reason just being there makes me feel so much at home, like I do here currently. It'll be hard, but it's something that I want to work towards.

I hope this is the last story about myself I ever tell on this blog (although I might throw a few in here or there). I hope that I'm able to tell other people's stories, show the world the good these people are, whether they are physically doing good in the community, or inspiring others with their stories. I hope my decision to switch back to journalism will be able to allow me to tell these stories to their fullest potential.

- Michael

Driven by Fear

  I had a friend who once told me that we should do what we fear. I'm going to be honest, because at first, I didn't really think this made sense at all. But after spontaneously switching my intended major from journalism to music education, and then to music performance, I think I began to understand the concept of using fear as motivation. (Disclaimer: I don't think that someone's motivation should purely be driven by fear, but there should be a small part that is.)

Being someone who was new to doing music seriously, I was definitely scared of a lot of things. For one, I was scared that I was going to be so much worse than my peers, which I personally felt like I was. I also still have the constant fear of not being able to progress as fast as I should be. And then there's the big one: the fear of not being good enough. Even though this is how I feel, I've always heard around that so many people also feel like this, musician or not.

Honestly, this whole "driven by fear" is probably used by a lot of people, but I think it's still good to put out into words. These fears that I have are what motivate me to do better and strive to improve more than I feel that I am capable of. I've re-titled the blog to "WIP: Work in Progress" because we're all a work in progress and we all find our own ways to drive ourselves to reach where we want to be, or even maybe even drive ourselves to improve infinitely.

Reflection: On Opportunities, Music, and More

I often wonder, what would have happened if I missed opportunities and took others? I applied to a lot of schools for journalism in which I actually didn’t get into most of them, but I had gotten accepted into the Scripps journalism program at Ohio University which is actually a pretty good program. However, because of my wish to be closer to home to spend time with my family, I chose my current school over that. I don’t regret my choice one bit, but sometimes I realize how much different my life if the story just ended there.

So the way my school's journalism program worked was that I had to wait almost a whole year before being accepted into the program, so I foolishly decided that it wasn’t worth it and wanted to start a program the instant he began school. So up until then, I had been playing piano for 12 years and viola for only 8 years. I was okay at piano, and pretty bad at viola. To be completely honest, I was a terrible viola student throughout high school and even considered quitting taking private lessons because I hated them (I actually really had no reason to, but I just did). Another part of my life that would have affected so much of the future. But for some reason, past the halfway point of my senior year, something just clicked. I thought, “is this it? Am I just going to be done with playing music all of a sudden?” At this point, I was on the fence with journalism so I decided to take a chance. I would ask if I could audition late into my school's music school, and if they didn’t let me/if I didn’t make it, I would just have to be content with studying journalism. However, I was able to get the opportunity to audition and actually somehow got in, which I will forever be grateful for. Side note, up until that point, I don’t think I had ever practiced that hard in my entire life.

Honestly, I’ve doubted myself so much this last year, the main doubt being, “should I even be doing music? Am I even good enough?” I even considered adding a completely different major twice. Throughout first semester and halfway through second semester, the voice in my head was always saying, “you don’t really deserve to be here, you almost never practiced in high school,” or “you got lucky,” and even “everyone who you were in orchestra with probably thinks you’re stupid for pursuing music, I mean you weren’t even good” (This one especially when I decided I wanted to switch to viola performance). The voices and maybe even some people might be right, but I’ve discovered that these are the things that drive me to be better and what have driven me to where I’ve progressed today.

I have a lot of goals now, and a vision of what I’d like to accomplish. These are what motivates me, because it’s hard to compare and compete with my peers because I really don’t need to. They’ve done a lot more than I have when it comes to music and growing up with music. These goals are what motivate me to become better as a musician and as a person. This past year, I’ve been actually pretty happy for the most part when it comes to what I’m doing with my life, and how I’ve progressed so far as a musician. But, I know musically, I haven’t even gotten to where I personally want to be so I know I just have to work even harder.

Peace, Love, and Guido

Midterms, Madness, and Blogs

I always create blogs, and then start over. And over. And over. But now that I'm in college, I feel like starting one this time can be better. There's more things to do and a lot to explore with the next four years. Part of me feels like this is convincing myself that this is "training" (but is it really?) for a possible journalism and music double major, and the other part of me finds it hilariously ironic that writing blog posts is the exact opposite of what I want to be doing, which is going out and exploring. However with most blogs, it'll be like I'm reporting my findings to the small world that is my Facebook friends. Don't let this fool you though: despite the name of the blog, I'm NOT procrastinating for my midterms, but let's be honest, "taking a break from studying" is really just the "excuse phrase" for procrastinating (but I'm really studying! Trust me!). Honestly, I may even look back on this post in a few weeks and restart again.

Soundtrack of the Day: Two Door Cinema Club - Sleep Alone