So coming to the half-way point of studying here in Taiwan, I've really been able to think about my own personal identity more and how it has been shaped by my experiences in the past. I think for starters, I'm definitely learning a lot and am more comfortable here, and also having a lot of fun, whether it's the food or just the people I get to interact with every day. But being here, like I said, has really allowed me to just think of how I even got here in the first place, because I think many of us ABCs and ABTs, we never really took the time to actually learn our mother tongue. And when I mean learn, I don't mean just going to Chinese school, but actually taking the time to enjoy the fact and learn to actually speak fluently and well enough to maybe even live in a Chinese-speaking country. In fact, I for one hated going to Chinese school when I was younger, and up until my junior year in high school, I really never cared for it much, just feeling like I never really needed it. But I think around that junior year/senior year of high school time, I think that's when I really grew an interest in actually wanting to become good at speaking Chinese.
You see, in high school, I never really felt like I belonged to any group, and I think that's common with Asian-Americans, as we culturally didn't feel like we belonged with their non-Asian peers and also had a hard time connecting with family members, relatives, that might not understand English very well, or just also don't culturally understand the pseudo-hybrid culture that is growing up Asian in the U.S. So usually, you might see "cliques" of the Asians in school, whether it's high school or even when you head off to college. For me, I don't think I ever felt like I fit in any of the three categories. Entering high school, I was surprised to see so many more Asian-American students than I did in middle school, and a lot more than there were in my grade in elementary school. Being the silly conformist wannabe that I was, I really wanted to be like them. In terms of my current friend group at the time, although these people are still my very good friends to this day, I think just the fact that I was one of the only full Asian people if not always the only full Asian friend in the group made me just feel like I didn't belong at most times. Sometimes I would be forgotten, would just be on the sideline, and so I am not afraid to admit that it sometimes felt I was just the token Asian friend. So feeling like this, I wanted to be like the other Asians in high school, doing extremely well, being able to talk about academics like it was no problem, sharing that same sentiment of growing up Asian-American, being able to be at the very top of the class and shrug it off as if it was no problem.
I was never able to achieve this. And don't get me wrong, it wasn't because these people were bad or anything, because these were good people. But I think not achieving it was for the best, to be honest. In the end, trying to be like them was very soul crushing, and many days I would go home extremely stressed out, panicking on schoolwork that my mind had made feel impossible to do right, and sometimes even just making myself feel so heavy that most days I just didn't want to see these people, not even my good friends. It wasn't until actually going to university, that I actually felt all of this just leave my body, all the weight off my shoulders. And it was then when I began to explore different parts of what made me who I am, which slowly but surely lead to where I am today, studying Chinese in Taiwan because I chose to study it myself, with no one telling me that I had to learn it. My last few trips back to Taiwan, which usually happened during winter break, made me realize that focusing so much on my schoolwork, which lead to hating learning Chinese on the weekends, made me lose a part of my identity that I didn't even try to explore. Because honestly, I feel really comfortable in Taiwan, whether it be now that I've gotten used to the environment here, or when I'm staying with family in Taipei. The atmosphere really is just so comfortable to me. People might say it's because I'm on "vacation," but in Taiwan is where I feel most comfortable. What more, being able to speak Chinese to people is honestly one of the coolest feelings ever. It's kind of like you become a different person, a much cooler person than you were just speaking your first language.
I mean I know I'm still trying to figure out my identity, one that was and is in shambles right now. But I think being here learning Chinese is one of the biggest steps I've ever taken towards fixing this. I've honestly even started thinking about writing posts in Chinese and then translating them, but my typing is so slow that I need to practice it a ton more. All the events leading up to now, I don't think I would honestly be here if I didn't struggle with trying to be someone who I couldn't (and eventually didn't want to) be, if I didn't despise learning Chinese, and so much more. All of this just opened up that door that I had closed shut, the one that allowed me to take time to understand my parent's culture, one that I'm very grateful for today.